2014 September : Beau Sia

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love beau/ running the herbertstrasse

  Posted on September 26, 2014 at 5:29 am

I didn’t hear much about the woman this poem is about. All I heard was me, my feelings, my desire to take a situation and expand it into a relationship. I don’t believe there’s much written to indicate how magical this woman was. Only investing in my experience of magic and wanting her to come and continue it for me. It sounds like demands and memory with no offering of love. No true giving in the text. This is not to hate the poem. This is to see where the poem is at. Where the author is at with love. The distance I placed myself from the people in my life in order to create an ideal situation for us to imagine in. I can hear the dip in my voice at certain words. The tone dropping noticeably to me, as if my voice now is unsure of the line. Needs a deeper resonance to help follow through. To commit to the sentiment in the words. How has voice revealed our true relationship with our writing? Our willingness to love? I wish I remembered more about her. I only have this poem and a night in Hamburg. And that night in Hamburg is more the memory I’ve given it than the experiences I had. I still embrace this poem. Just like the others, it is so true to me at the time. It shows how ill-equipped I was for more than fantasy. A lovely fantasy. That I believed a poem would be all that’s needed to make real.

love beau/ fields sublime

  Posted on September 25, 2014 at 4:51 pm

I had to practice the poem a couple of times to pronounce, “again,” to fit the rhyme. I had to get to the point where I didn’t smile/ laugh uttering it. I had to honor the child who originally wrote the piece, without judgment of elder me. There are several sequences in the poem, where I wanted to reveal in my face, “Hey y’all, I get that this line doesn’t actually make any sense.” I didn’t, because upon further listening to the piece, I realized that when I originally wrote this poem, those lines weren’t about sense, they were about emotion. I listened for how “dark gold glitter,” and “billowy ring,” revealed more in their rhythm and tone, than in their definition. Allowing myself to remove logic as absolute, I was able to recite the poem with more of the original pain and frustration I wrote it in. I cannot understand this work if I project what isn’t true to the piece in my recitation of it. In listening to this recitation, I must also work more on reflecting the voice I possessed when I wrote each poem. Even if I can’t capture the register, or am unlikely to strain my vocal chords to achieve the exact sound, I must reach deep into who I was fully during the writing of each of these poems. I want to reflect how much insecurity may have influenced my speaking. I want to show how fear reduces as one owns themselves, increases as one runs in their verse. I want to hear me at every stage of my life. It is a clue needed to be able to speak as if one is the age in which the poem is written.
Thankfully, I have many more opportunities to continue this work.

love beau 4

  Posted on September 24, 2014 at 11:58 pm

I got to do a better job about doing things in the timeframe I claim I will. Just before bed is not the 22nd. Was really proud of myself that I went through with it. So much fear looking for an excuse not to. In the end, something changed in me putting up that first video. I saw myself at 38, reciting for the 15 year old who didn’t feel like anyone wanted to listen to him. It was odd how that simple act let go of so much pain I thought I’d overcome. About how I see myself. About how invisible I’ve felt for too long. I’ll write more about the poems individually as I’m able. I’ve decided to watch each, then write my take on how that poem connects to this process of love and my relationship with. I’ve also decided that I am being a little too confusing about what this project exactly is. I imagine that someone watching the videos cold would be confused. Especially if they have expectations based on how I presented myself during the Def Poetry days. I’m not sure many understand why the course of time is important to share all at once. Or why the analysis of the work is not about its craft. I will be clearer. Pray I do this before I drop the next installment. I feel the next installment coming sooner than expected. I just don’t want to claim a date and not make good on my word to Sahra. I thought I grasped the whole of this work, but then I posted the first installment and everything went to another level I’ve yet to be able to articulate. It’s making me confront shit I’m not very comfortable confronting at all. And I embrace it. I want this process to transform me. So I’ll be damned if I let it get corrupted by fear’s need to prove value to the critics n’ analytics.

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